However much we sometimes wish that it was not true, sexual desire is always present in a marriage. If it is not evenly matched, or not reciprocated at all, then trouble lies ahead.
Ever since we met he has talked about his fantasy of a threesome but I think he should stop now we are getting married!
From the very first real date we had, he has mentioned how he always wanted a threesome in bed, by which he means him and two girls of course. I don’t know why he has that particular fantasy and I have never encouraged him in any way. The way he says it is like a joke and he has never done anything about it, but it is annoying. For example, we will meet friends and there will be a new girl there and he will whisper in my ear “How about her?”. Obviously there is no chance at all of me letting him have his way and at first I didn’t mind him going on. Now we are getting married though and I think it is time for him to stop this. I don’t want to be at our wedding feast and have him look at one of the bridesmaids and start making his usual suggestion in my ear!
Wo says: The fantasy itself is common in men, although they have so much trouble satisfying any one woman that I don’t know what they think would really happen if they had two. Clearly you need to have a very direct conversation with your man to explain how this makes you feel. Perhaps you could compensate him though by developing a second persona – that is a different character that you play sometimes in bed that is different from your normal character. That can allow him to imagine that he has two women, even if they are both really you. Role playing in bed is a pretty good way to keep your relationship fresh anyway.
My girlfriend imagines in bed that I’m BoJo, so I’m losing my MoJo!
My wife-to-be has always been passionate, and we have had a very active sex life ever since we met. Now one of her girlfriends confided in me that when my girl closes her eyes during love making it is because she likes to imagine that I am other men. I guess I could handle that as I do a fair amount of fantasising myself. Then I found out that her most common fantasy is that I am the prime minister. As I am young, slim and fit, that blows my mind. Now, as soon as she closes her eyes in bed, his face pops into my head and everything falls apart. If she already finds him more attractive than me, is our marriage doomed?
Wo says: Having sex with a famous, powerful man is high on the list of female fantasies, though obviously media and pop and rock stars tend to be more popular than politicians. BoJo may be an exception in the UK because he is far more charismatic than most of the rather grey cast who surround him. All I can suggest is that you bring this out in the open by letting her know that you know. You could turn it into a game where you ask each other who they are thinking about now. Never make the mistake of saying the name of one of her girlfriends or one of your exes though. That game could be deadly!
My girl is so sore from her exercise bike that we can’t make love anymore!
My girlfriend decided to lose weight to fit into the wedding dress that she has purchased. She bought one of these expensive bikes with an online connection and a screen and has become totally addicted to it. She is actually losing weight quite fast, but as she never rests she has horrible red marks and sores, I guess it is the same as the “saddle sores” that I remember from being a kid with my first bike. I try to get her to take a few days off to recover but she says she’ll lose her personal record and start to gain weight again. All of that would be fine but we haven’t been able to get it together for weeks now. Getting engaged wasn’t meant to be like this!
Wo says: Of course these exercise bike products are designed to be addictive. They generate excitement so that they can charge a multiple of the price of an old-style exercise bike. Your girlfriend’s problem is very common because, as you suggest, the best solution is to take a few days off and the bike software doesn’t like that idea in case she doesn’t return. If you search the web for the product name plus saddle sores you will see lots of articles with suggestions. Apparently the problem is caused by a combination of friction and bacteria. I’m sure she will be appropriately grateful to you for helping her find a solution.
I worry my boyfriend’s porn habit will explode once we are married and live together!
We are both living with our parents at home but soon we will be married and then living together in a small flat we are going to rent. He is already obsessed with porn on his phone and the only thing that stops him is being anywhere close to his mother who would kill him if she caught him. Once we have our own place he will have nothing to limit him and I already find it hard enough. How can I set limits so that my married life is bearable?
Wo says: Pornography can be a very destructive thing, and it can be an addiction as I suspect you already know. As with all addictions the addict can be completely in denial, unable to understand or admit that there is any problem. Clearly you need to find a way to set limits, if you can. For example you could explain that you find it unattractive to have sex with him if you know he has been viewing porn in the hours before, as you know he has images of other women in his mind. This might encourage him to start to separate the viewing of porn and making love to you in his mind. There are no easy answers to addiction though.
My man is freaking me out by talking about what to do when we stop fancying each other!
As our wedding day approaches my boyfriend has started obsessing about what happens in other people’s marriages. He says that people have affairs because eventually the excitement goes out of sex, and he wants to plan for how we are going to handle that. For example, would we have an open marriage or would we lie to each other. He doesn’t seem to entertain the possibility that we might just be happy together. Is this a sign that I should be thinking of breaking it off now, whatever the cost?
Wo says: Obviously it would be a more positive conversation if the focus was on how to keep excitement going in your sex life for years and years, rather than simply accepting that it will die. It could be that the idea of having an open marriage is just a turn on for him, and he doesn’t actually mean that he would like that. Whatever the case, you need to squash the idea early. Something along the lines that you would never accept an open marriage, and that an affair would be instant grounds for divorce in your eyes. You can then turn the conversation onto the positive side and ask him for his suggestions on how you can spice it up right now.
I had a slip of the tongue speaking to his brother and now he thinks I fancy him!
We met away at university, so when we were celebrating our engagement at my man’s home it was one of the first times that I met his younger brother. After a few drinks in the pub, he patted his lap as I walked past to encourage me to sit on his lap. I could see he was being mischievous so I said quickly ‘I am not sitting on your lap!’ but it came out as ‘I am not sitting on your lips!” Nobody else heard and he just smiled then, later on, came and whispered in my ear ‘I liked your Freudian slip. You must have been thinking what I was.’ I pushed him away but he just kept smiling and now he winks at me every time I see him. He hasn’t tried anything on yet it makes me nervous to visit my future in-laws house. How long do you think it will be until he lets this go?
Wo says: I think you are worrying too much about this. Somebody a bit more confident than you would just have given him a hard stare then said ‘In your dreams!’ and walked away. As it is, you say that he is only winking at you, in which case it should be simple to ignore him. If you have to look at him directly ask him loudly whether he has got something in his eye again, so that he is the one who has to do the explaining. If he tries to describe what you originally said to anyone else, then say he must be hard of hearing. He probably isn’t really trying to cause you any harm but is just a young man with a misplaced sense of humour.
At my wedding I want my older brother to give me away because my dad still can’t look me in the eye!
As far as my mother is concerned, we are a normal family and therefore my father should walk me down the aisle at my wedding. She knows that my dad and I don’t get on well though she hasn’t got a clue why. I won’t go into details here but if I say that we got on well until one night when I was twelve and he was drunk, and that he has never been able to look me in the eyes since, you’ll understand the nature of the problem. I was lucky because I was naturally assertive and so quickly escaped the situation. Neither of us have referred to it since, yet I can’t forgive him and I certainly am not letting him give me away at the wedding. My mother says that all of our friends and relatives will find it strange so now she is getting upset as well. I don’t know how to make this right!
Wo says: Obviously your father was entirely in the wrong and you have every reason to be very angry with him. I am sure that some readers of this will say that you should speak out now so that he has to deal with the consequences of his action, and there is some justice in that. I feel from your letter though that you don’t want to go that far. What is probably true is that this is the crucial point in both your lives where this might be resolved between the two of you, if you choose to take that path and accept an apology after an open discussion between you. Of course, I don’t know quite how bad things got and it may be that there can never be a reconciliation between you. If so, then tell your mother to say to relatives that the two of you have had a bad argument recently and that is the reason for your brother doing the honours. I think most people would accept that.
My boyfriend used to date my best friend and she never lets me forget it
I met my husband-to-be at least four years ago when he was part of a gang who knew each other from school. Before we became serious he had a couple of months dating my best female friend and when they broke up we got together and have stayed together ever since. The trouble is, my girlfriend is a bit of a bitch and can’t stop herself reminding us both that they once had a fling. At every opportunity, she remarks on his hidden birthmark or on other more intimate personal characteristics of his, even the funny faces he pulls at times during sex. I have tried telling her to pack it in but she just tells me not to be silly. My man just tries to ignore her but I am sure he wishes it would end too. Any suggestions please?
Wo says: The solution is to wait until after your wedding. You do not want a big bust up with a close friend when your wedding is on the horizon, so just grin and bear it for the moment. You can try a little sarcasm if you like, maybe keep a scorecard or ‘bingo card’ of mentions in your bag and pull it out and tick it when she says a familiar phrase. If you get past your wedding and she is still doing it then you can become far harder on her by not inviting her to your house and saying why. Once she knows that a word out of place leads to some sanctions she might start to behave a little better to you.
I helped my friend out with her online sex website but now the photos are starting to circulate
One of my girlfriends heard about people making money with this new website where you have a private set of admirers who pay money to share some intimate stuff. She started up and was not getting much uptake so she decided to spice it up and asked if I’d pretend to do some lesbian stuff with her. It was all extremely tame and I insisted on keeping my knickers on despite her promising that only her subscribers would see it. I don’t know how but now some pictures have leaked out and they show the two of us together. My fiancé knew about it and thought it was a laugh but now his mates are sharing the pictures on their phones he is getting angry with me and talking about calling the wedding off. Is there anything I can do?
Wo says: There certainly isn’t any way to stop the pictures from circulating – that genie is out of the bottle. You need to remember that you have not done anything wrong. Foolish possibly, but not wrong. The only reason that your friend thought she might make money is because of the demand from men, so they really don’t have any right to criticise. The only real problem here is the reaction of your fiancé. You should certainly apologise for causing him embarrassment (men are such frail flowers) but then encourage him to be grateful that he has such a sexy girlfriend.
I could never have married my old boyfriend but though I am getting married I still miss him in bed!
I love my husband to be to bits, and he is definitely the right choice for me. He makes me laugh all of the time and he would do anything for me. He has a great job and he is really looking forward to being a father. The only trouble is that I have memories of an old lover that won’t go away. That boy was unfaithful to me, he would lose his temper and scare me, and he can’t hold down a job for more than a few months. He was really exciting in bed though, in a way that my bloke just isn’t. Is this a sign that I should put my marriage plans on hold?
Wo says: Do not be silly. If you wait for your perfect man to come along then you’ll be the oldest person at your own wedding, if it ever happens. The man you obviously want would have to be both unpredictable and thrilling and sexy while also being a good provider and entirely reliable. Women have long known that they have to get the ‘bad boy’ syndrome out of the way when they are young so that they can partner up with the better provider. It is in our genes somewhere. If your husband to be is a little dull in bed then why not help him along with a few suggestions. I am sure that he will come to appreciate it.
My husband to be thinks that I am a virgin so will he know on our wedding night that I am not?
I have just got engaged to a lovely man from my community. I have been putting off accepting for ages because I am haunted by the idea that he will eventually find out that I am not a virgin and then will hate me and tell my family. I had sex two times with the same boy when I went away on a college trip, so even my friends don’t know. I worry about asking them this question in case the gossip spreads. I have heard about people having little capsules of blood that they release on the sheets and so on but I have no idea how I’d arrange that.
Wo says: Obviously, the ideal solution is to be able to talk honestly to your future husband. If that is not possible, then be sure to lie convincingly. There is no way to tell for sure that somebody is no longer a virgin. As long as you confidently assert that you are a virgin then there is no way your husband, as he will be then, will be able to tell. Think of good reasons why you might not bleed – for example, you rode a boy’s bicycle and had an accident, or you used to ride a horse, or do gymnastics at school and ‘did the splits’, or used tampons or even that you think you explored with your fingers when you were younger and caused a cut. If he researches any of those he will find that it is a possible cause for your hymen not being in place. If your wedding night goes well though, the thought will probably never cross his mind.
I don’t want to be pregnant at my wedding but he says I shouldn’t worry
I come from a very traditional background and I really believe that sex should be something that happens only once you are married. My boyfriend was always very respectful as his family is similar to mine and they certainly expect me to be a virgin on my wedding day. The trouble started when we became engaged and then fixed the wedding day. My boyfriend says that it means we are now in an unbreakable contract and so we can start to have sex. I love him madly so when we kiss I very much want it to go further, but I still think it is wrong. Also, contraception is very difficult. Even if I managed to get the pill from somewhere that my family didn’t know, I couldn’t keep them at home. My sisters go through all of my things and they would find out. My boyfriend says that he’ll use a condom but I know from other friends that that is not reliable. In my nightmares I am walking into the church with a swollen belly and everybody is pointing and laughing. How do I keep my fiancé from getting his way?
Wo says: I think it is time for you to do some research around this subject. There are many ways to have sex without using contraception or getting pregnant, though you still have to beware getting carried away in the moment. It will have to be you in control as men all too easily make bad decisions in the moment. Basically you have to make sure that you keep the bottom half of your clothes on, and impenetrable. Once you do that, you are safe. Of course, if you really think it is wrong then you just have to make him wait. Tell him that it proves how much marriage to him means to you.
Should I tell my husband to be that I once slept with the man who he wants to be best man?
I love my husband-to-be very very much. We will soon be married if all goes well, but I have a secret that I feel I should share with him. Surely, it is a terrible thing to go into the marriage with a secret between us? After all, it isn’t as if this happened after we were engaged. This was just a drunken fling when we were on holiday together and he passed out after too much to drink. I was left alone drinking with a group of his friends and then the inevitable happened and I had a drunken grope with one of them. It wasn’t even full sex really, and I didn’t give it a second thought the next day. It was only because of the stain on my dress that I even remembered something had happened.
The man it happened with is really not that close a friend of my husband-to-be. They were more work colleagues really and so I have hardly seen him since. When I did see him he winked at me, so I think he remembers. He is such a poor choice to be best man and I was surprised when his name came up. I think it is because he is now the boss of my future husband and he wants to get in with him.
Wo says: Say nothing! If you haven’t already done so, confide nothing to your friends. Forget it ever happened and deny it if it ever comes up. After all, you said you were drunk so the man can’t really be sure exactly what you remember. You might just remember it as a kiss. If it isn’t too late, campaign for a better candidate for best man without being rude about his choice. Try and think of good reasons why another of his friends might be offended if they are not asked. Steel yourself though. He will still invite this man to the wedding and he will probably wink at you again, or worse. Just practice keeping calm and ignoring any provocation. Most men in that situation don’t want to cause real trouble. they are just indulging their rather poor sense of humour.